Ways to be Nasty

Use all the hot water.

Free your spider collection.

Pour honey in the mailbox.

Slobber on the couch.

Rake the leaves into your neighbor's yard.

Stick your hand in the clam dip.

Throw a tantrum when you lose.

Hard-boil all the eggs.

Scream in the dentist's office.

Cut the strings off all the tea bags.

Giggle during the eulogy.

Burn the toast.

Cut the clothesline.

Salt the Band-Aids.

Plant ragweed.

Deliver lectures on abstinence and temperance.

Stray into other people's snapshots.

Clog the sink.

Ignore everybody.

Don't train your Doberman.

Paint your house chartreuse with pink trim.

Grab someone's nose and don't let go.

Breed rats.

Take the last cookie.


--Jim Erskine and George Moran, Throw a Tomato and 151 other ways to be mean and nasty, 1979