In a Submarine That’s Been Hit

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I can picture in my mind a world without war. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.


--Steven Wright